We could all use to loose a few pounds. Well have I got the plan for you. First, quit your successful career path and put your entire efforts into becoming a STAND-UP COMEDIAN! This will involve confusing and disappointing most of your loved-ones, writing horse-shit material for at least 5 to 10 years and then setting up a travel schedule that will smother any chance of having a healthy relationship with a woman. Next, move up from emcee, to feature, to headliner, in clubs that actually talented people wouldn’t play if they had guns to their heads. After you have some experience, submit for a comedy festival or even better a comedy contest (those are even more fair). Keep working the road, dodging STD’s and DUI’s until you develop deep seated separation anxiety and minor drug addictions. “But Nick, I’ve done what you said and I’m still a fat fuck. Am I on the right path?” (smug laughter) Of course you are! As a stand-up comedian, questioning one’s life choices is the fruitless, lonely, meal that will consume your mind every single day. Then, and this is important: don’t kill yourself… years of entertaining mindless strangers and your drug addiction spiraling out of control will make you want to, but don’t. Now, gather your bullshit half-credits from a reality show, cable, and/or NACA showcases and MOVE TO L.A.
“Whoa Nick, I like where I live and think I can have a real career in show business from a secondary market.” Listen here you rube, unless your name is Chad Daniels, you’re lying to yourself. Stop being an asshole and pack your shit. Once you’re in Los Angeles contact all the people you met while working on the road and then realize that they have less of an idea of what they’re doing then you do. Now, go to the worst open mics you could imagine, surrounded by the shallowest people you’ve ever met, and try to develop material that you really care about. Lastly, set up meetings and showcases that all go amazingly well but you still don’t get called back and the pounds will start to shed off at once.
Follow these easy steps and you’ll be a shell of yourself in no time! And remember DON’T KILL YOURSELF. As shitty as L.A. seems at first, the whole thing is just a test to see if you REALLY want it.* And hey, when you can clearly see you’re own rib cage poking through your gaunt, emaciated body, then and only then do you truly know that you are living your dreams.
Written from the comedy
condo in San Antonio, TX